Gotta love her taste in movies.
Food of The Gods 2 (AKA Gnaw: Food of The Gods Part 2).
Dir: Damian Lee.
Cast: Paul Coufos, Lisa Schrage, Réal Andrews, Frank Pellegrino, Michael Copeman, Stuart Hughes, Karen Hines and Colin Fox.
"The animals keep checkin' in,
but they don't check out, do they?
You're not a scientist, you're an undertaker!"
but they don't check out, do they?
You're not a scientist, you're an undertaker!"
There's trouble afoot at Crapton University where a bunch of dirty hippie types are protesting against the pleasantly plumb and shiny of pate Professor Edmond Delhurst (Teevee stalwart Fox) and his habit of forcing Beagle's to smoke in the name of science.
If that wasn't enough tho', he's also secretly testing anti-balding drugs on Beavers in the hope of finding a cure for baldness and therefore become a very rich man.
And then buy a cake shop with the cash judging from the size of his waist.
Just to show us that all scientist aren't evil, the labs are also home to ex Tory love god and bio-chemist Dr Neil Hamilton (the instantly forgettable thick necked monkey man Coufos), a caring type who only experiments on plants and refuses to date anyone who's not taking his course.
Hang on, is that allowed?
Harry Potter: the pedo years.
Anyway, sod the character development we want to see Delhurst's stuff get smashed up.
And smashed up it is when the protesters (all five of them) break into his lab and see what the evil sod is doing to the furry ickle aminals.
They start by smashing his computer before burning all his files whilst good girl (and Neil's girlfriend) Alex (the bush headed, big chinned Schrage from Prom Night 2) begs them to stop whilst shouting "You said you were only gonna take some pictures!" in a really whiny voice.
So far so so.
Suddenly the plot (and the movie) takes an unexpected turn as one of Dr Neil's scientist buddies asks him to visit a giant toddler who's accidentally been given an experimental growth hormone instead of Calpol.
Dr Neil is amazed (if not a wee bit aroused - I know I was) by the size of the child and, grabbing a vial of the serum quickly fucks off back to his lab before the movie launches (or is that lurches?) into an exciting science style montage culminating in the dishy doc injecting a tomato plant with the growth hormone standing back and watching it grow to giant proportions.
It's that big boy that always
does stuff then runs away.
does stuff then runs away.
Deciding that it's gonna take more than a big horse to carry all this giant fruit and vegetables around the docs beaky assistant Joshua (Pellegrino from, um, some other stuff) suggests that they should try the growth serum on some lab rats.
Because as we all know, rats love carrying fruit.
Nothing like this ever goes according to plan tho' and just as Neil and Josh are about to begin their frankly loopy experiment who should arrive but Alex looking for a quick shag.
Josh, never having seen a woman naked before makes his excuses and leaves but not before popping the hungry rats in the same cages as the big tomato.
Tho' why you would store giant tomatoes in a big cage is beyond me, I mean it's not like they're going to escape and attack old folk is it?
Cue a bizarre sex act/rat eating fruit montage (they director does love his inter-cutting, bless) culminating in Alex giving us a frankly terrifying cum face whilst a rat burps.
Next night the lank haired protesters, still on a revolutionary high after smashing up Delhurst's lab, decide to break back into the building and have a nosy in Dr Neil's lab too.
Heeding the advice of sensible Alex our motley band have brought their cameras this time, which is rather lucky really especially when they spot the rather large, tomato faced rats in the corner.
Excitedly taking pictures they accidentally free the beasts when trying to dress them in hats and frocks, getting two of their gang killed in the process.
Tho' they were only art students so no great loss.
"Warts roond mah mooth!"
It's not long before the campus is buzzing with rumours of a big rat infestation, which takes the heat of Dr. Neil seeing as everyone has been spreading gossip about him shagging his students, leaving the Dean no alternative but to call the police.
Enter the hard drinking, trenchcoat wearing Lt. Weizel (Copeman whom you may remember from his performance as '2nd Man in Bar' in David Cronenberg's The Fly remake), a stereotypical flatfoot who seems more interested trying to wind Dr. Neil up at every given opportunity than trying to discover what killed the two students.
Luckily for us some plucky soul posts a couple of pictures of the giant rats to the Deans office and realizing that Weizel has no jurisdiction over rodents (no matter how large) grabs the phone book and hires a couple of pest control types.
Think Mousehunt but far less sexy.
Arriving in a big dirty van and armed with homemade flamethrowers the pair head down into the basement, tho' I'm surprised the rats can even fit down there seeing as the place is swarming with drunk and horny students, geeky janitors and thick security guards wandering aimlessly as they wait for a rat to jump on them.
On a plus point it does mean that we get a few good killings and a wee flash of lady breast.
By this point you would assume that good old Dr Neil has been working day and night in a desperate attempt to prove the existence of the giant rats he's inadvertently let loose on campus but oh no, he's too busy having wank fantasies about a red headed whore in his class called Angie (who to be fair has far shapelier thighs than Alex and looks like she'd make an effort).
He's put off his stroke somewhat when just as his pervy fantasy starts to get interesting Neil imagines himself growing to giant size whilst inside her.
This is quite possibly the most disturbing thing ever committed to celluloid.
If not the sexiest.
At home with The Krankies.
If all this furry death and sweaty sex wasn't enough, evil Edmund, on finding out about Neil's growth hormone sneaks into his lab (does he never lock the door?, not even whilst cracking one off the filthy bugger?) and rubs it all over his head hoping to cure his baldness, little realizing that a few drops have found their way into a paper cut on his hand.
Unlike rats and babies who just get bigger, the serum, when mixed with Edmund's patent bastardness (or something) causing his head to swell up like a giant wart encrusted testicle before exploding in a shower of puss.
Could the day get any worse?
Well that depends on whether the university's new swimming pool (which is having its grand opening today) can be accessed via the sewers by big rats giving them plenty of opportunities to eat the synchronized swimming team.
Well, what do you think the chances of that are?
Inside Michael Barrymore's mind.
All hail Damian Lee, Canada's king of straight to video and the genius behind Food Of The Gods 2 as well as the classic teen steam romp Ski School and the sci-fi spectacular Abraxas: Guardian of The Universe.
A quantum leap above the Bert Gordon original in as far as it features the requisite shoe-string special effects alongside such rare treats as long lingering shots of synchronized swimming and bizarre sexual growth fetishes, FOTG2 has moments of sheer terror and unmitigated cheesiness in equal measures.
As well as being the only film I can think of to feature a giant toddler in a terry toweling romper suit.
Interestingly for what is essentially an 80's slice and dice movie, dear old Damien has fun playing with the genre's conventions, gleefully killing off all and sundry eco-types and bad men but unusually leaving the sexually active and bare breasted teens alive and unsullied.
Well as unsullied as you can be after acting against a giant sock puppet rat.
"Mooooooooooooooooose".
But don't worry all you rodent lovers out there because Lee still finds time to use reals rats too, mostly climbing about a dolls house pretending to be the actual sets (with varying degrees of success) but at least his heart (if not his wallet) was in the right place.
Bless.
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