glad to be geisha.

Been catching up on a big pile of stuff in the corner (films, laundry, work, kids etc.) and went for this first cos it had a pretty laydee on the cover.

At least I'm honest.

And don't worry, seeing as it's fairly new(ish) i'll not give too much away to the six of you who haven't seen it yet.

Robo-Geisha (2009)
Dir: Noboru Iguchi
Cast: Aya Kiguchi, Hitomi Hasebe, Yoshihiro Nishimura, Takumi Saito and Taro Shikagi.

"I knew it would rotate!
Shit! Help me!"

After saving an important politician (FX whiz Nishimura in a neat cameo) from the clutches of an evil cybernetic Geisha assassin and her deadly breasted, sword wielding minions, the mysterious saviour of Japan, Robo-Geisha begins to tell (in true Marvel Comics style) the grateful and very sweaty would-be victim her secret origin story....

Time to fetch the tissues.

Welcome to the (not so) wonderful life of the cute as a button and pigtailed Yoshie Kasuga (former gravure idol and tarento turned actress Kiguchi), destined to live forever in the shadow of her bullying (and fairly harsh) older sister, the top geisha Kikue (Battle Royale II and Ultraman Max's Hasebe).

After an accident involving peppered dough balls, hot soup, a cucumber in the mooth and Kikue administering a severe kicking to her sister, poor Yoshie angrily tears a phonebook in half, catching the attention of super mulleted pretty boy Hikaru Kageno (fish lipped Saito from Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl), spoiled son of the vaguely camp and bequiffed multi-millionaire steel tycoon Mr. Kenzan Kageno (Japan's very own Shakin' Stevens, Shigaki) who invites them both to dinner.

"Blades in mah face!"

As the pair of them both think he's a sexy man (if a little wet) they excitedly accept his invitation and make their way to his home, a bizarre hybrid of temple, factory and James Bond villain lair by way of the Eurovision Song Contest set circa 1987.

I'd move in there like a shot.

Even if I had to have a daily pleasuring from Hikaru and his dad.

Your mum at work yesterday.

Little do the sisters suspect that behind the almost ladyboy smile and kissy lipslurks the heart of a very bad man because Hikaru (and his dandy dad) are planning to build an army of deadly robo-geisha’s (to work alongside their deadly breasted elite Tengu assassins) in an attempt to seize control of Japan...

...with Yoshie and Kikue the latest recruits.

Soon the sisterly slaggings and slaps become more and more dangerous as the pair are pitted against each other (in full geisha make-up and big pink pants) in a fight to the death.

Meow. Thrice.

Although small in stature Yoshie is big in battle skills and, after a wee bit of a kicking easily defeats her sister, causing one of those nasty not talking phases between the pair.

Which is quite possibly the least of their worries seeing as Hikaru is hoping to use their new found sibling hatred to aid his plan to transform them into the most efficient killing machines ever created.

"Put it in me!"

Augmenting their (silky smooth) bodies with everything from armpit swords, breast mounted machine guns and napalm hair, Yoshie and Kikue soon become the number one and number two assassins in Hikaru's organisation but when Yoshie is ordered to assassinate the families of those Hikaru has kidnapped and transformed into his cybernetic army our maiden of metal has a crisis of conscience.

"You raff....you RUSE!"

Betrayed and left for dead, Yoshie is rebuilt by the very same concerned relatives she was programmed to destroy our heroine decides to make a stand for all that's good and decent in the world, even if it costs her the sister she secretly still loves....

From the smoking quill of Noboro Iguchi, the man behind Machine Girl, Sukeban Boy and the upcoming Mutant Girls Squad comes yet another panties and prosthetics filled tale of love, family honour, city stomping robots and ludicrously large guns.

Well you know what they say, if it ain't broke dinnae fix it.

To take it too seriously (as many folk seem to have) is to miss the point, as Robo-Geisha is nothing more than a cheap and cheerful comic book of a movie just to be enjoyed on the most basic of levels not over analysed and chin stroked.

Folk should realise this as soon as swords appear out of the (shapely) arses of the Tengu assassins.

I mean, it's not deep and it doesn't want to be clever, it just wants to be fun, fun, fun.

Iguchi directs like a child raiding a chocolate box, you never know what you're going to get next.

Mouth mounted buzzsaws?, arse-blades?, armpit swords?, acidic breast milk? sister on sister bickering? It's all here in one dizzily silly and childish mix topped off by acting so over the top it's a wonder none of the actors got nosebleeds, pre-Playstation effects and a score that purposely rips off everything from Godzilla to Live and Let Die.

Oh, and numerous shots of big pants and a secret base that turns into a dancing robot intent on blowing up Mount Fuji with a big gold bomb.

Need I say more?