Well, it saves me having to think about anything else after that fucking SARS movie doesn't it?
Enjoy.
Nightmare City (AKA City of the Walking Dead, La Invasión De Los Zombies Atómicos, 1980).
Dir: Umberto Lenzi
Cast: Hugo Stiglitz, Laura Trotter, Francisco Rabal, Mel Ferrer, some bouncy breasts and a few other body parts usually attached to people.
In a nameless city somewhere in 'Europe' (tho' from the state of the haircuts and trousers it looks like the West Midlands circa 1985) a terrible nuclear accident has sent the populace reeling into panic.
Bouffanted and bearded ace reporter Dean Miller (Stiglitz from Alcoholics Anonymous and that film where the boat capsizes and they eat the dog ) is assigned to interview eminent scientist Otto Hagenbach (bless you) who just happens to be flying in from the accident site that very morning.
Lucky eh?
But when the plane arrives it contains not only the grey haired boffin but a cargo full of bloodthirsty, spud headed 'atomic zombies'.
'Atomic zombies' intent on murder!!
"You chase me now!"
Whilst all this scary shite is going down (as you kids say) Mrs. Miller (Trotter from Only Fools and Horses) is busy making her rounds at the local hospital (don't worry, she works there. It's not like she's skulking about chasing ambulances).
But things are a mite strange there too as she realises when visiting a young patient named Phil.
When our bubble haired heroine, trying to pass the time, innocently asks him "Well, how are you feeling today?"
His frankly worrying reply is "I feel like somebody who's waiting for the hatchet guy to chop off his head, doctor."
Which is nice, if delivered a little stiffly.
To make matters spookier, another patient, this time a small broken legged football loving wee boy, has been having nightmares about bad men cutting his leg off.
Could this be related?
Whilst all this scary shite is going down (as you kids say) Mrs. Miller (Trotter from Only Fools and Horses) is busy making her rounds at the local hospital (don't worry, she works there. It's not like she's skulking about chasing ambulances).
But things are a mite strange there too as she realises when visiting a young patient named Phil.
When our bubble haired heroine, trying to pass the time, innocently asks him "Well, how are you feeling today?"
His frankly worrying reply is "I feel like somebody who's waiting for the hatchet guy to chop off his head, doctor."
Which is nice, if delivered a little stiffly.
To make matters spookier, another patient, this time a small broken legged football loving wee boy, has been having nightmares about bad men cutting his leg off.
Could this be related?
Mel (not Kim).
Well there's no time to worry about such trivialities as meanwhile at a top secret army base, military top brass Major Holmes (Rabal, all rugged with a silver quiff and a sexy sculptress girlfriend) and General Murchinson (Mel "I was married to Audrey Hepburn and the alimony bill is forcing me to appear in utter shite" Ferrer) are discussing the breaking emergency.
Please join us for a fantastic piece of choice dialogue as the body of one of the attackers is being examined :
Murchison (obviously reading from cue cards): Your autopsy categorically excludes an extraterrestrial being. It's molecular structure clearly establishes him as a member of the human race. A paradox when you consider what they've been doing....
Donohue (a 'scientist'): The examination of the various tissue samples that we have taken from the body reveal a high level of radioactivity, far superior to the level normally tolerated by the human organism. In addition we have found more or less recent hyper-tissue regeneration.
Murchison (bored now): Can you make that a little simpler Colonel? Some of your colleagues may not have the same technical or theoretical background...
(what? a technical background in talking bollocks? does that exist?)
Donohue (he's making it up now): In other words this individual and others like him have been subjected to strong doses of atomic radiation which increase their physical capacities beyond the norm.
Holmes (in a way only a man of a certain age can): How far beyond the norm?
Donohue (he's on a roll!): It's impossible to say. But it is a fact that these cells, subjected to almost every treatment we know, have proven to be almost indestructible.
Holmes: In short it's a kind of superman…?
Donohue (very excitedly): Much more than that… the victims of these creatures are contaminated even if they only suffer minor injuries.....
Murchison (losing the will to live): Then they can reproduce themselves… say indefinitely?
Donohue (jumping up and down waving his hands like a loon): That more or less… is correct!
Still with us?
Good because after this fantastically written exchange Murchison elects to put plan 'H' into effect (no idea what's wrong with A thru' G), giving his men the unforgettable order to "Aim for the brain".
The race is now on to save humanity!
Mr. Potato Head need love!
Can Dean persuade the tee-vee station heads to cancel hit show 'Dance Party' and broadcast his warning to the city and still have time to rescue his wife?
Will Sheila the sculptor survive in the coal bunker?
Will Mrs. Miller (not the cult recording star, the doctor remember?) ever stop waxing philosophically about the situation or will Dean just slap her and will the once great Mel Ferrer have to spend his twilight years in the hell that is the Italian 'B' movie ?
"Touch my hairy face!"
Director Umberto Lenzi's warning against the dangers of science gone mad is (according to the director) based on 'true events'.
That's right! Lenzi reckons this really happened! and is actually proud of this film, hailing it his 'masterpiece' comparing it's plot to that of Jonathan Demme's Philadelphia for it's portrayal of the effects disease has on the populace.
The joke was on us, we thought we were watching a cheap and cheerful zombie movie, when Lenzi has actually produced a document that could change lives and save our planet!
His off screen battles to complete his vision are well documented, from producer Luis Mendez refusing to let him cast a 'name' actor in the lead role of Dean Miller (Lenzi favoured either Franco Nero or Fabio Testi whereas Mendez insisted on a Mexican lead to appeal to the movies co-funders who eventually cast alleged lush and professional hairy woodsman Stiglitz) to what appears to be an imaginary 'female executive' forcing him to tone down the films many gore scenes.
"Oi Umberto! NO!"
Unfortunately (for Lenzi) the finished film is in fact utter shite.
But for us it's one of the most enjoyable pieces of shite you'll ever see (ask Robert Rodriguez, he allegedly based his Planet Terror on this movie).
From the moment the plane lands the screen is awash with a crimson hue only a cheap blood substitute has, the rampaging 'atomic zombies' look like their heads have been covered in PVA glue and then dipped in a cesspool whilst Lenzi's latent misogynism surfaces as female character after female character all seem to trip over, whimper and lose their tops before being killed.
Stiglitz and Trotter run aimlessly around the countryside with no other purpose than to occasionally bump into a group of infected killers then run away again.
Trotter (a doctor don't forget) persuades the hairy one that a church is the best place to hide because the virus/plague/whatever won't enter the house of God.....Much to her (but not the audiences) surprise the church is full of spud-faced loons out for blood.
Mulder and Scully: the pikey years.
Exciting subplots include General Merchinson trying to get his daughter to the (relative) safety of the base whilst she'd rather go camping with her fella and the silver fox that is Major Holmes attempting to save his (almost pre-teen) girlfriend.
If I'm honest then the sight of the mahogany tanned and leathery faced Francisco Rabal running his tongue over the chest of someone young enough to be his (grand) daughter is probably the most unsettling and nightmarish thing in the whole movie meaning this image (and the sight of him in a scoop-necked too tight green 'army' t-shirt proudly displaying his curvy man-breasts) will stay with you long after the film has ended.
A leathery man yesterday.
And oh boy what an ending!
After everyone else seems to have died, the Millers escaped to a seemingly deserted fairground.
Suddenly they are surrounded by the infected....Dean and Anna head for safety atop a rollercoaster (?) the bad men in hot pursuit.
A helicopter appears on the horizon lowering a ladder the pair climb to safety, only for Mrs. Miller to lose her grip (on the ladder, not reality) and plummet to her death in a kind of floppy way only a shoddily made dummy can.
Dean screams and suddenly.....
Like I'd spoil it for you.
You'll haveta go out and buy it now, you know you want to.
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