Porno Holocaust (AKA Insel der Zombies, Orgasmo Nero II 1981)
Dir: Joe D'amato.
Cast: George Eastman, Mark Shannon, Dirce Funari, Annj Goren and Lucia Ramirez.
Women! We must be crazy! You know what they say about women! They bring bad luck.
It's worse than that, Jacques. They're scientists. Can you imagine what kind of monsters they are?
Photoshop holocaust more like.
Warty scrotumed sea fairing sex god Captain O'Day (Mark Shannon) has been hired by the Dominican government to ferry a team of scientists (including mustachioed and man breasted D'Amato regular Eastman) to a remote tropical island that once served as a nuclear test site in the 1950's.
It seems that in the intervening years strange stories have surfaced regarding bizarre mutations that now live on the island and a scientific team led by Dr. Lemoine (Eastman) the physicist behind the original tests has been sent to investigate.
As is the way in porn/horror hybrids, the Lemoine's team consists of three fairly sexy (in a kinda kebab shop queue way), late 70's breasted nympho's and a dispensable old bloke with bad hair (professor Keller - no idea who plays him as he's not listed on the credits...yup his performance is that good).
Anyway, the rest of the group consist of granite faced Annie (Ramirez), who scarily fancies the captain, leathery lesbian Countess Dorcin (Goren) and Simone (Funari), Professor Keller's Sheena Easton alike wife and plaything of the Countess.
Saucy.
What was this film called again?
Before setting off to the island tho' there's just enough time for some nasty shagging.
Annie and O'Day head off into the countryside for some warty fun whilst the Countess pays a pair of local inbreds for an impromptu biology class (and I really do mean local....D'Amato allegedly payed two men he met in the street $25 to have sex with Goren on film).
This turns out to be the films most disturbing scene as the tombstone toothed twosomes attempts to stay aroused are thwarted by the omnipresent camera crew as Goren stares distastefully into the distance obviously annoyed that her career has come to shagging strangers in back alleys.
At this point I suggest a cold shower before continuing.
"Touch my warty scrotum....yesch!"
After all this nasty shagging everyone decides that it'd be a good idea to get to the island and start work (oh and start the films plot running good and proper) but all hope of this is dashed when, once again the kinky Countess and saucy Simone decide it'd be more interesting to have sex than indulge in scientific research.
Interesting to them perhaps but not this viewer unfortunately.
Not wanting to be left out, the Captain and Annie also rush off into the trees to find a secluded spot for a wee game of hide the warty wand, giving us a change to gaze in awe at Shannon's fantastically scary cum face in glorious wide screen.
He's thinking of your mum...
Deciding to make this section of shagging at least a wee bit different to what's gone before Simone, after her luscious lesbo licking session, returns to the boat to offer her boring hubbie a swift hand shandy.
Well would you say no?
After a few minutes in the company of mother fist and her five beautiful daughters and being a cleanliness obsessed kinda guy, Professor Keller wanders off to give himself a good scrub at the waters edge (how romantic).
However just as he's working on those hard to reach stains a freakily deformed, rag wrapped tramp (sorry...zombie) arrives and murders him.
Not much you can say to that is there?
Hearing a muffled cry, Simone pops out of her tent (and her nightie) looking for her husband, failing to notice the terrifying tramp coming up from behind (ooeerr) before it's too late.
Forcing the terrified (well, I say terrified but to be honest she looks bored) Simone to her knees the tramp begins to choke her to death with his comedy rubber zombie cock.
"Zombie cock in mah mooth!"
Realizing that no-one has seen or heard anything from Keller or Simone for a couple of hours, Captain Cock-Rot, Lemoine (relax girls, Eastman stays fully clothed) and the Countess (who at this point looks like she's lost the will to live) decide to mount a search party (not literally but with this movie it wouldn't surprise me).
no sooner have they left the relative safety of base camp when they come across (again, not literally) Keller face down in a pool with his penis out and a naked and spunk encrusted (not to mention very dead) Simone.
Our heroic Captain comes to the conclusion that there must be another person on the island with them....either that or a pissed off lobster with a hard on.
Mark Shannon impressed the rest of the cast
by using his largest genital wart as a stool between scenes.
by using his largest genital wart as a stool between scenes.
Whilst all this chat is going on (and trust me, it's a relief from all the ugly sex) our zombie pal has decided that the sexy shenanigans have gone on for far too long and has decided to kill off the remaining (but more importantly unattractive) cast members as quickly as possible.
That's Mr. Eastman screwed then.
When he finally catches up with Annie (who stumbles on a twig and bruises her ankle whilst trying to escape poor lamb) he bonks her on the head, binds her hands and carries her off to his lair.
Why? you may ask. It's not like he can choose to be picky about who he shags to death, seeing as he's dressed in rags with a face like a half chewed caramel, so they're must be another reason.
Plot development in a Joe D'Amato movie? Scary or what?
Here come the Belgians!
Leaving her lying against his favourite rock Mr. Zombie wanders off to kill an investigative reporter also on the island ( D'Amato himself) leaving Annie enough time to have a nosy around his groovy bachelor pad and find an old rucksack that will no doubt contain information about the zombie.
A rucksack like the one featured in the movie.
After much searching Annie finally finds the rucksack (it was just behind the bins next to the skull pile) and excitedly empties the contents onto the dusty cave floor.
Amongst the pile of tatty woman's clothes and various baby items Annie discovers a battered old diary with 'this book belongs to Antoine Demadura - do not read' scrawled on the inside cover.
Annie settles down ready to get the gossip.
Eastman: different film, same sweaty manbreasts.
Meanwhile back at the beach, Captain O'Day is slightly upset by the fact that not only has his entire crew been murdered and his squeeze has disappeared but his wee boat has gone missing too.
Stomping about manfully and splitting coconuts he has no alternative but to have sex with the Countess to cheer himself up.
Annie on the other hand hasn't had sex for at least twenty minutes as she's far too busy reading how poor local farmer Demadura, his wife and ickle baby had been accidentally left on the island prior to the nuclear tests.
The death of his wife and child (coupled with the radiation obviously) mutated and regressed the poor fella to a point where only his most basic animal desires survived. Annie has been spared the fate of her colleagues tho' because in a strange quirk of fate only found in movies such as this, she bares an uncanny resemblance to Demadura's dead wife. As if wishing to push this point even further (obviously for those members of the audience who find the lead actress looking at a photo of herself in a different outfit whilst exclaiming "Oooh...I look like his dead wife!" too dificult to understand) Demandura turns up wife his scabby head cleaned, the tufts of hair in his ears combed and clutching a bunch of flowers for Annie.
Awwww....what a sweetie!
Gently kissing his new love goodbye (well more like dribbles on her if I'm honest) he leaves the cave to look for the Countess. Is he going to invite her back to the cave too maybe to explain that the entire killing spree was a misunderstanding?
No, when he finds her Demadura knocks her unconscious and proceeds to shag her to death.
Oh well. It was nice whilst it lasted.
The binmen strike again....
The Captain, by now the only survivor and obviously gagging for 'the sex', reckons it's about time he went to search for Annie. Within a matter of minutes he's found Demadura's cave, untied her hands and dragged her off to the reporters boat for a quick getaway and a good grope.
Headfuck.
Just as our heroes approach the shoreline Demadura pops out of the undergrowth and makes a move toward Annie. O'Day shoots him with his handy speargun, only to see Demadura pluck the projectile from his body and move menacingly towards the captain, his cock swaying in the sea breeze.
Just as he lunges in for the kill Annie (remembering that she's still in the movie) calls out "No, Demadura! No!" whilst looking on in an uninterested manner causing his arm to fall off (no, really).
Howling with pain (or wind) as the memories of his previous life come flooding back to him Demadura collapses onto the golden sands and dies.
Annie and the Captain run hand in hand to the boat, cast off from shore and have a big shag to celebrate.
Joe D'Amato's companion piece to his sexy horror opus, Erotic Nights of the Living Dead, Porno Holocaust is more sex film than shocker, discarding the haunting voodoo menace of that movie for an atomic monster with a huge cock and a thing for colourful head scarves.
With it's uniformly ugly cast and brightly lit, almost clinical scenes of penetration and overgrown 70's bush the true horror comes not from the idea of being shagged to death by a large blue mutant but from the look on the cast members faces as the are forced to go thru the motions, their faces contorted and twisted in horrific fake 'cum faces' just to earn a dollar.
It's enough to put you off sex (especially with zombies) for life and after almost two hours of Mark Shannon's aforementioned genital warts I'd challenge you to ever eat a bramble again.
Those minor niggles aside it does feature the only full screen death by forced zombie blow job I can think of on film so that must count for something I guess.
Like shagging a bin or eating out of a trans gendered dwarf (or is that the other way round?) Porno Holocaust is something you must experience once before you die.
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