titty bang bang.

As some of you may be aware, I was away visiting the Fatherland a few months back which gave me a chance to catch up with the infamous Jay Bridle, he of the Mad Foxes/masturbation story and proud owner of genuine quads for Razorback and A Nightmare On Elm Street (yes we are both THAT old, we even saw Evil Dead 2 and Day of the Dead at the cinema on the first day of release).

This got me wondering if I could ever find a modern(ish) equivalent of the Foxes that I could secretly pop into the post to him so that he could relive those heady days of untamed gore and unacceptable levels of sexual violence, but this time without the fears of parents walking in mid shandy.

My friends, I may have found it.

In our local Chinese restaurant of all places, in a pile of VCD's on the counter.

Right next to the signed piccie of Jordan Chan.

On the downside it didn't have any subtitles so excuse any inconsistencies (or stuff just made up for 'comedy' effect) herein.

Mr. B: He likes 'the films'.

Leng xue ren lang (AKA Laang huet yan long, Cold Bloodied Ape, The Bloody Beast, Horrible Mr. Tits, 1994)
Dir: Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng.
Cast: Lawrence Ng, Ka-Kui Ho, Siu-Ming Lau, Lawrence Ng and many others who should know better but not, surprisingly Anthony Wong who must have been busy or, God forbid, too expensive for this film.

Sickest thing about this is the colour scheme.

Bowl haired sad sack Chen Siu-Hsiong (Ng, the far eastern yet surprisingly less Jewish equivalent of Evan Almighty's Steve Carrell but with better hair) has had a pretty bad time of it, not only did his dear mum die giving birth to his sister Ling, meaning that he's spent his entire life running around after her and his sweaty dad rather than look for a job, make friends, change his vest etc. becoming the laughing stock of the town and the perfect target for the bullying local children.

Even his dear old dad thinks he's an arse.

But if that wasn't enough to get him labeled 'Freaky Chen' by the local populace then the fact that a humiliating boyhood experience involving his auntie and breastfeeding has left him with a fetish for young, ample breasted mums.

Aw da poor wee (sick) lamb.

One of these men is a masturbation obsessed pervert
with necrophiliac tendencies....
the other is Chinese superstar Lawrence Ng.

It'll come as no shock then, to discover that the movie opens with poor Hsiong (bless you) banged up in prison and attempting to commit suicide by swallowing the contents of a dozen boxes of Persil washed down with his own urine.

Being the unlucky sod that he is, this and further attempts (utilizing stuff like shoelaces, mousetraps, moldy bread etc) all lead to nowt, so after pausing to bite off a policeman's ear, Hsiong decides to confess to whatever crimes he's been locked up for in the first place.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we'll begin.

"Blood in mah mooth!"

Good old fashioned wibbly wobbly flashback effects transport us to Hsiong's bedroom at home, where our misunderstood hero likes nothing better than to relax by masturbating over seventies breasted porn magazines whilst burning thru' the pictures of ladies front bums with a ciggie.

Which is unusual (if not a wee bit dangerous) to say the least.

I know what you're thinking, he just needs to lay off the constant wankfest, get out more and meet a real girl, that'd sort him out.

Well don't worry, because he already has.

Unfortunately, the girl of his (very wet n' wild) dreams is his sister.

So when he's not wanking like a beast and mutilating magazines, he's hiding in the cupboard spying on his sister bathing or when she's 'having the sex' with her hunky beau.

Whilst cracking one off of course.

The blood's real, it's the rest of him that's fake.

Deciding that all this younger sister/masturbation/dreams of genital mutilation stuff he's obsessed with is possibly a wee bit unhealthy (you think so?), Hsiong reckons that a couple of long, lazy country walks will clear his head and take his mind of things.


Amazingly this seems to do the trick, until that is, one afternoon whilst sitting minding his own business Hsiong spots a woman breastfeeding her baby in an idyllic forest clearing.

Thinking it'd be a waste of an erection not to do anything about it he has a wee shufty around to make sure the coast is clear before pleasuring himself in the afternoon sun.

It's getting quite romantic now isn't it?

Forgetting all about his sister (who is, if I'm honest fairly whiny, even if she does look not bad all soaped up) Hsiong starts to spend more and more time on his walks hoping for a quick flash of mummy pillow action.

Unfortunately it's not long before he's wanting to take an, ahem, more (much more) active role in the baby feeding process and to this end, armed only with his favourite DIY hammer, Hsiong sets off on a quest for breast.

A very different type of 'cracking one off'.

Obviously when he finds a nice pair there's the tiny problem of the baby that's attached to them enjoying lunch. Not to worry tho' because with a swift swing of his hammer and a great left foot the screaming bundle of joy is soon dispatched leaving Hsiong free to gorge himself on mothers milk before murdering then raping his victims (and yes, it's in that order).

"Are you the farmer?"

Cashing in on the success of the HK Herschell Gordon himself, Lewis Herman Yau‘s classics of exploitation, Bunman and Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome - both starring mentalist for hire Anthony Wong), Tak-Sing Tam and Chuen Yueng's epic exercise in bad taste is the kind of movie that any self respecting 14 year old living in 80's Britain would kill to own (tho' teenagers today would probably kill each other for a bag of sweets - I blame violent video games myself).

Photobucket pulled the graphic image depicting
violence against women and children so here's a
picture of some bint seducing a dog.

Full of classic scenes and quality 'comedy' turns (mainly from the cliched fat and thin police duo you always get in HK thrillers). The film's detective duo steal every scene they're in with their one note performances and habit of dispensing either comedy one liners, administering severe beatings to various suspects and occasionally falling over in an amusing manner.

Best of all is a scene when, after recovering a sample of Hsiong's sperm from one of his victims arses (in glorious close-up), they decide that the best way to get a DNA match is to make a cell of sweaty suspects masturbate furiously over copies of the Chinese equivalent of Hello Magazine.

Hat.

So if you and your loved ones fancy a night of nasty necrophilia, unsettling infanticide and a wee bit of incestuous perving (but don't want to wake the kids) then this is the film for you.

leathery balls.

Look, I'm sorry...it was late and I had nothing else to watch.....plus I was hypnotised by the girl on the lefts huge chin.

Just count yourself lucky that I watched it for you.

Sing gum zhook kao (AKA Sexy Soccer. 2004)
Dir: Sik Hok Min (Yup, that's right - THE Sik Hok Min)
Star: Au Yeung, Carmen Yeung, Tong Tong and lots of other people but I've discovered that no-one actually reads the cast list bit, they go straight to the movie poster that's usually right below.

See? there it is!

Professional sleazy guy Rolando (Yeung, probably) is having a wee bit of bad luck culminating with a run in with the local loan shark.

You see he'd made a huge bet on his fave team winning the football championship cup (or something....as you can probably tell, I'm not really the sporty type) but guess what?

Yup, they lost.

Feeling generous the loan shark decides against cutting his throat and instead offers him one last chance to come up with the cash.

With no idea as to what he could do to raise the money Rolando decides to go watch a footie match to get a wee bit of inspiration. It's there that whilst enjoying the game his eyes are draw to a brash n' busty jogger bouncing by him at half time.

Rolando sees this as a message from God telling him to form an all female footie team (named Friendly Balls) to compete against the all male squads, with the ladies uses their 'sexy bodies' to distract the testosterone fueled male players.

How this would work is never fully explained (much the same way as the loan shark storyline never re-appears) but, we've been promised scantily clad and sexy girls playing football so let's stick with it and see if it delivers.

Anyway back to the synopsis (so I can eradicate any memory of this film from my head), everything starts swimmingly with much training footage of girls jogging in tiny shorts and shots of sweaty ladies jumping on the spot as Rolando's plan seems to be foolproof enough for him to actually have a chance of winning whatever he's meant to win (I don't really care).

Unfortunately his arch rival Dennis gets wind of his plan and has a secret weapon of his own....

You see, he's secretly been training a team of homosexuals to play against the ladies in the final.
The rotter!

When all seems lost tho' our hero comes up with his greatest plan yet.

Remembering that 'the gays' like arse he gets all the ladies to flash their bum cheeks at them, instantly curing them of their gayness and thus enabling the girls to win.

She looks not bad from here,
but wait till the dribbling starts.

Effectively that's it as far as the movies plot goes, with half of the film being a shameful excuse to see a handful of fairly unattractive young ladies with bored looks on their faces (and one with a chin like an ironing board) prancing around in tight tops and tiny seventies style shorts wiggling and jiggling like they're have a stroke.

But not in a good way (like when Helen Robinson had hers in Neighbours).

Helen: undercover action.

The remainder of this epic consists of endless scenes of Rolando (dressed like your dad) having sex with the team ( either in reality or 'hilarious' dream sequences) in the most unerotic way since Harvey Keitel cracked one off over that car door in The Bad Lieutenant'.

True there's and almost obscene amount of nudity (plus sex scenes that border on hardcore) but it's a bit like watching a video of your parents having sex.

In your bed.

And trust me on this when I tell you that's not a nice feeling.

Harvey: Barclay's bank.

Saying that tho' at least Harvey looked like he was enjoying himself (as did my folks), Yeung on the other hand keeps pulling comedy 'cum' faces whilst making grabbing actions toward the unfortunate actresses breasts.

For Minutes at a time we're subjected to this in extreme close-up, it's almost as if he's possessed your teevee and is desperately trying to escape to do bad things to you.

And your dog.

"So which one of you sexy ladies is
up for a wee bit o' mooth shite-in?"

I will admit that the film does have a few stand out moments, mainly showcasing the total ineptitude of those involved, including a fantastic bit in which one of the team actually stops speaking to look off-camera at the director for reassurance before continuing the scene.

Buy this film now and see how many you can spot.

It'd be much easier than trying to spot any of the films promised 'sexy' moments.

Somewhere to park your bike at least.

Market to us foreign devils as a kinky version of the classic Steven Chow comedy Shaolin Soccer, this is more Benny Hill than Jimmy Hill, replacing the formers knockabout comedy, musical numbers and martial arts mayhem with copious amounts of spotty arses, crap Cosby sweaters and far too many embarrassing sexual shenanigans that only seem to be there to pd out the movie's megre running time.

It's a load of old balls.

Worth it if you find bored shitless, horse faced Asian girls attractive or if you don't have a girlfriend.

wong turn.

Yi boh laai beng duk (AKA Ebola Syndrome 1996)
Dir: Herman Yau
Cast: Anthony Wong, Yeung Ming Wan, Fui-On Shing, Wong Tsui-ling, Miu-Ying Chan and Meng Lo.

In the back room of a fashionable Hong Kong restaurant, Kai (Wong), ne'er do well employee and general sleazy man spends his off work hours shagging his boss's sexy wife over the uncooked shrimp whilst sweating a fair bit and grunting loudly.

In Cantonese of course.

Not too surprisingly it's not long before his boss catches Kai with his trousers down (and his wife with her arse in the egg noodles) and, like any normal jealous hubbie administers a severe beating upon the bad boy whilst angrily shouting at his unfaithful spouse.

Again in Cantonese.

However, after about the fifth kick to the nads and general pointy fingeredness, Kai goes completely mental killing his boss and wife in a pot noodle of blood and sweat, leaving only their young (Cantonese speaking) daughter alive.

Wife Swap with Rose West went horribly wrong....

Coming to his senses Kai decides the best course of action is to quickly leg it out of Hong Kong and try to start a new (and quieter) life somewhere else.

Grabbing his passport and kiss me quick hat he reckons the best place to lay low would be sunny South Africa.

Ten years later and Kai has carved out (tho' not literally) a nice life for himself in South Africa, working in another restaurant and still filling his days off by masturbating with sides of beef whilst watching his new boss and missis shagging on the tables.

Well at least he's not killed anyone yet.

Hearing that a local village does a great line in cheap pig meat, Kai and his boss decide to hit the great outdoors for a nice picnic and the chance to buy some inexpensive meat product for the restaurant's best selling hamburgers. Unfortunately on arrival they descover that the entire tribe is suffering from the infamous Ebola virus.

How's yer luck?

Grabbing their hankies and quickly covering their mouths our intrepid duo complete the purchase and beat a hasty retreat back to the car but, on along the way, they happen upon a woman lying prone in the grass and having a seizure.

Ever that or she's a Gregory's Girl fan.

Kai, almost hypnotised by the unfortunate woman's (admittedly bouncy) breasts , runs over to give them a bloody good squeeze before sticking it in her.

The romantic devil.

And before you can say John Leslie Kai is pulling a truly terrifying cum face whilst the woman spews blood and dies.

"Oooh Vic...I've fallen".

Returning home poor old Kai develops a fever (and an embarrassing itch) so decides to visit his local GP. The doctor immediately recognizes that Kai is showing the symptoms of Ebola (surprise, surprise) and prescribes plenty of bed rest and weak lemon drinks.

Or something.

In a bizarre quirk of fate Kai begins to feel better and within days his fever has cleared up entirely (tho' not the itch) and, deciding to celebrate his new lease of life and good health decides to rape and murder his pals wife before bludgeoning his boss to death.

But can you guess how Kai decides to dispose of the bodies?

Yup in a masterstroke of unhinged genius our mentalist mate begins to sell a new dish, African Buns, thru' the restaurant.

And (as if you hadn't guessed) African Buns are (albeit very tasty) hamburgers made out of the by now Ebola infected folk that Kai has killed.

Translation: "Shite in mah mooth!"

It's not long before a large part of the populace of Johannesburg are writhing about on the floor foaming at the mouth and pissing blood leaving Kai no choice but to sell up the restuarant and head back to Hong Kong on the next available flight.

But who should he meet on the way but the daughter of the couple he killed ten years earlier.

What are the chances of that?

Being a model citizen she rushes to tell the local authorities but much to her dismay they send her packing thinking she's imagined it.

Taking the law into her own (very delicate) hands she follows Kai back to Hong Kong where, upon confronting him she has the choice of:

A. Telling the police.

B. Giving him a damn good kicking.

C. Running away screaming.

Or

D. Biting him.

She decides on the latter, which is a wee bit silly when you take all the facts into account.

"Fiona! where's mah lunch?"

After a few (well a lot) more killings, sexual shenanigans, murders and a little bit more shagging (really I don't want to spoil it for you) the police finally decide that this Kai bloke is possibly a bit loony and that maybe, just maybe that they should really bring him in for questioning.

When the officers turn up to ask him a few things (just minor stuff like "Are you an Ebola infected multiple murderer with a penchant for shagging bits of meat?") Kai loses the plot even more and escapes into the street before taking a cute wee Chinese a girl hostage, daring the police to shoot him and risk his blood infecting everyone in the surrounding area.

The rotter.

Devo and John Leslie always enjoyed their

weekly game of 'What's the Time Mr. Wolf?'

When the small child (understandably) starts crying for her mum, Kai reckons he'd have a better chance of evading capture on his own, so he bumps her off before running (like a big girl I must admit) thru' the busy streets spitting on passers by and hollering "I have Ebola and now so do you!"

Will Kai be captured before he infects the world?

Will the girl from the start turn up again or just disappear completely from the film?

And will I ever recover from seeing the great Anthony Wong slaughtering a frog in extreme close-up?

The infamous Mr. Sausage Fingers was dismayed

to discover that The Cheeky Girls would

never reveal the whereabouts of his car keys.

On paper Ebola Syndrome sounds as if it should possibly be one of the most offensive films ever conceived, from it's tragedy exploiting plot thru' to the constant on screen barrage of murder, sexual violence, swearing, more sexual violence and gore.

But bizarrely enough it isn't.

Somehow director Herman Yau has managed (by accident or design, who knows?) to give a skewered sense of quality and credibility to the whole thing, partly thanks to an amazing turn from Anthony Wong as ker-razy Kai.

The magnificent Wong, a mainstay of Hong Kong cinema for the past twenty years has made a career playing damaged characters in films of wildly varying quality, flitting happily from such critically acclaimed fare such as Infernal Affairs to (enjoyable I'll admit) dreck like Raped by An Angel IV.

Here Wong manages to makes Kai the film's most interesting (if not most sympathetic) character, the rest of the (admittedly great) cast all just fade into the background when the great man is on screen.

"It's Cccccchhhhrrrriiissstttmmmaaasssss!!!"

If any criticism can be leveled at the movie it has to be the completely gratuitous (and unnecessary) scenes of animal slaughter, a throwback to the worst of the 70's Italian exploitation era and, while it may only be a few frog guttings and the beheading of a couple of mangy chickens, it's still enough to taint the viewing experience somewhat.

"Oh no! it's the Ninky Nonk!"

But don't let that put you off experiencing such a sleaze-tastic epic that for all it's shocks is a lot less vile and infinitely less hard going than the earlier Wong-Yau masterclass in bad taste, Baat sin faan dim ji yan yuk cha siu baau.

But then again, what film isn't?

This is why your girlfriend didn't
return your calls last Saturday.

Great as a first date film or a even a quiet Sunday afternoon with the family, Ebola Syndrome has everything you could ever want from a film about restaurant employed sexual deviants and is far more fun than any number of editions of The F Word.

Buy it now.

how do you solve a problem like maria?

Still beavering away with work stuff (currently designing a rotting pirate corpse chained up in a brig that wont scare kids - go figure) but thought I'd share a quick one with you.

Enjoy!

I Love Maria (AKA Roboforce, 1988)
Dir: David Chung
Cast: John Shum, Tsui Hark, Sally Yeh, Tony Leung and Lam Ching-Ying.

Yup, it's Robocop.
With breasts.

The misleadingly monikered and 80's styled Hero Gang is is conducting an unstoppable reign of terror against Hong Kong's banking sector with the aid of a seemingly unstoppable robot named Pioneer I.

Beleaguered copper Curly (the frighteningly Danny Baker-esque Shum) who, unluckily has just been accused of taking backhanders and former gang member Whiskey Joe (groovy goateed cult director Tsui Hark) who (by a strange coincidence) has also been accused of betrayal, in his case by his former gang pals.

Reckoning the chances of them both being in the same predicament at the same time so astronomical as to be a quirk of fate, the mis-matched duo decide it'd be a laugh to team up and 'bring down' (as they say) the gang themselves.

"Can you beat the Daz doorstep challenge waaaahhhh?"

Within what seems like minutes of forming this impressive plan of action they are viciously attacked by the originally named (and stunningly chrome breasted) Pioneer II – a sexy fembot designed to look like foxy gang boss Maria (Yeh, the one in The Killer that's not Chow Yun Fat), albeit if she spent all day parading about in a chrome bra, her plasti-steel buttocks gently bouncing from side to side as she walked, but I digress.

Turns out her 'lover' and notorious crime lord (Lam) reckoned it would be a good idea to build an ageless, super strong version of her to keep him company in his old age.

Fair enough.


Curly and Joe, armed only with frighteningly bad hair and teeth and a big box of Daz join forces with ace reporter TQ Zhuang (Hong Kong's very own David Tennant, Leung looking about six in this) in an amusing attempt to capture and reprogram the Pioneer II (because capturing and altering the program of a sentient machine with chrome globes is dead easy to do, obviously).

"Help mah Boab! it's the sighbaaahmon!"

But guess what? Yup they do indeed succeed in their mission (oh ye of little faith) and Pioneer II is ready to accept their bidding.

Now is it just me or if you had a sexy robot girl that obeyed your every command, would the first thing you'd do to road test it really be to attacked the bad men's base?

Oh, just me then.
The scene is set for a power-packed final showdown between the Hero Gang, Pioneer I, a martial arts expert (Ching-Ying) who is desperate to join the good guys (there's always one isn't there?), robot Maria (all spruced and shiny), the real Maria, a dwarf clown, our heroes and the evil crime boss.

Phew!

Or with shit(ter) special effects.

David Chung's lo-fi romp is a fairly harmless way to spend an hour and a half, in parts funny and exciting but with the added bonus of the constantly frowning (and strangely attractive in a maths teacher-ish kinda way) Sally Yeh in, not only in shiny chrome but also at some points with her breasts encased in a tough black rubber bra thing.

Hong Kong's very own (tho' slightly less dead eyed) Sam Raimi, the god-like Tsui Hark, shows his on screen talent for comedy matches his obvious behind the scenes skills and alongside chubby funster John Shum make one of the best comedy double acts since Myers and Loomis in the original Halloween.

Beats the rampant rabbit I guess.

Hard to find but well worth it if you're a fan of action based chic flik comedies with added big robots.

And at the end of the day who isn't?

Can I just add that I lied about the dwarf.

Sorry.

brownie points.

Phew!

Well I've finally managed to track down an uncut DVD version of the HK guns 'n' girls actioner Naked Killer for the lovely Rollie to replace her worn out VHS copy but my word what a palaver it's been....

I mean, the amount of times I'd thought I'd downloaded this classic when, in fact I'd just spent a day grabbing Naked Killer 2 got beyond a joke, especially when you know that Naked Killer 2 isn't even a 'proper' sequel, It's actually the fantastically exploitatively monikered Raped by an Angel (the first in a 'hit' series, natch) retitled to cash in on NK stars Chingmy Yau and Simon Yam appearing on screen together again.

Does exactly what it says on the box.

But first, for those of you unfamiliar with this classic romantic thriller (and if you haven't seen it then honestly, I'm shocked) the plot of the original NK goes something like this:

Raven haired and slender of thigh Kitty (Yau) is a quite frankly scary lady with a neat hobby of punishing bad men that cheat on their girlfriends. Tinam (Simon Yam) on the other hand is a nice guy cop who unfortunately shot and killed his brother (by accident of course) and is now impotent plus vomits uncontrollably when he holds a gun.

(How's your luck?).

A naked killer showering yesterday.

Their paths cross when Kitty is caught after repeatedly stabbing her friends boyfriend in the genitals after finding out he's been unfaithful (ouch), Tinam attempts to arrest her but ends up just throwing up his lunch and shaking a bit.

Kitty decides to head to the police station and seduce Tinam in the hope that the sight of her nice flat tummy, shiny mane and luscious thighs will stop him dobbing her in to his superiors.

She's a sly one.

Being a typical man our hero cop has no idea that she's leading him on a just sits drooling.

Which is a nice change from sitting vomiting I guess.

Meanwhile back in the family orientated sub plot, Kitty's father's marriage to his new (whorish) wife is being rocked by her countless affairs and the fact that she wears belts instead of skirts. It all comes to a head one evening when he arrives home to find her writhing around, legs akimbo with a Yakuza boss named Bee (Ken Lo).

In the ensuing argument, Kitty's dad falls down the stairs, bumping his head and dying.

Ouch (again).

"I love you....could it be vomit?"

Understandibly annoyed at this turn of events, she storms into Bee's office and proceeds to off him, all his burly bodyguards and the majority of his secretarial staff (including the poor tea boy and the girl that fills the photocopier) and during the course of her dramatic escape also takes a foxy older lady hostage.


By a bizarre stroke of luck, it turns out that the woman is, in fact the notorious assassin Sister Cindy (Hong Kong's very own Barbara Windsor, Wai Yiu) who suddenly begins joining in the carnage even going as far as taking out a couple of their pursuers herself.

Escaping unscathed and seeing that Kitty has the potential to become a top lady assassin herself, Cindy offers to train her in the mystic art of kicking arse using a mental, half starved pedophile she has chained up in her cellar as a makeshift punch bag (and I thought our walk-in cupboard was bad with the amount of comics stored in there).

It's Glasgow's Miss Masonic Lodge 1984.

Via the magic of sweaty slo-mo montage scenes we see Kitty go from scary penis stabbing mentalist to highly trained penis stabbing assassin before finally bettering her teacher.

The time is right for her first mission alongside Sister Cindy to 'take out' a Yakuza bad man in an orgy of soft rock music, slinky thigh action and squirty blood.

None too happy with this, the local Yakuza put a price on Kitty's head (and stunning thighs and pneumatic chest too probably) and evil lesbian murderess Princess (the tiny headed yet frighteningly breasted Carrie Ng), a former protégé of Sister Cindy and her market stall fashion victim Japanese lover Baby (moonfaced cutey Madoka Sugawara) take the job.

"I can see your house from here Peter".

Tinam meanwhile has decide to use this murder as an excuse to find Kitty whom he discovers is disguised as a foxy air hostess named Vivian Shang (is a wee bit complicated to explain so e-mail me if you want details).

She convinces him that he's mistaken (obviously he was too busy staring at her arse to remember her face) but decides to carry on flirting with him anyway, giving Sister Cindy ample time to murder everyone else who can connect Kitty to Vivian Shang.

"Push harder or I'll never fit in this suitcase".

Kitty and Tinam finally have their much anticipated soft focus shag before tearfully realising that a cop and a killer (even a naked one) will have a slightly difficult time holding down a stable relationship.

Awwwwe.

Being a sweetie, Sister Cindy suggests that Kitty leave the assassin business and settle down with her beau and live happily ever after, which would be OK if Princess, who if you remember is out to kill Kitty, hadn't become madly obsessed her, which has led to scenes of sweaty rough sex with Baby featuring orgasmic machine gun fire, opera gloves and much fiddling about with each others panties in loving close-up.

Well, it works for Rollie.

Vicious lips, milky eye.

They decide instead to off Sister Cindy, hoping that will bring an enraged Kitty to them but the old bird puts up a good fight before ultimately being killed by the luscious poisoned lips (coated in an evil lipstick that is fatal when mixed with booze - obvious eh?) of Princess.

"Lesbe friends...."
"homo we wont!"

Kitty is still nowhere to be found tho' (she's busy hiding under the duvet hoping everything will blow over like you would in this situation) and just when you think you can't take anymore of Princess wailing, abusing Baby's wobbly arse and firing off a machine gun our heroine re-appears with an interesting proposition....

Kitty, it seems is willing to let bygones be bygones if Princess will become her business (and bedroom) partner.

Princess thinks the deal over for about three minutes (giving her a chance to oogle Kitty's unspanked backside) before hurriedly shouting "Yes please!" and leaping on her for a bit of black clad assassin on assassin action.

Princess, however is too caught up in the incredibly gratuitous (but admittedly sexy) lesbian lust frenzy to realise that Kitty is also wearing poisoned lippy!

Whilst locked in an erotic embrace, our (completely vomit free) boy Tinam bursts in thru' a window and proceeds to mow down all of Princess's hench-people (in slo-mo of course) before turning his gun on Baby and legging it back to Sister Cindy's pad with Kitty.

"Milk in mah mooth!" (well, I hope it's milk).

An understandably furious Princess follows the lethal lovers as the poison starts to take effect arriving to find a deliriously dishy Kitty shouting abuse at her from the living room and, oblivious to the fact that Kitty too is slowly dying Princess breaths her last.

Devastated by the thought of losing Kitty, Tinam throws back his head and screams before firing his gun at the gas oven causing the house (and them) to explode in a blaze of colour and inappropriate end music.

Madoka Sugawara: Lego hair.

As you can probably tell from the above synopsis, NK is an utter hoot from start to finish, a film so over the top it's possible to get vertigo just by looking at the DVD sleeve for too long which makes the fact that Raped by an Angel was released as Naked Killer 2 even more of a travesty.

Whereas NK features a stunning mix of romance, extreme violence, slinky ladies mixed with scenes of women snorting coke from sweaty muscled mens arses, fantastically choreographed lesbian sex scenes and enough gunplay to keep even Charlton Heston happy (if he were still alive that is), Angel removes all these elements (except Chingmy Yau's wonderous thighs) and replaces them with, well nothing really.

"Look! it's Jimmy Krankie's hat!"

The plot(?) is paper thin to say the least, centering as it does around sweaty, rat like bad boy perv Chuck Chi-shing (played to perfection by the ickle fin legged Mark Cheng) who has an unhealthy obsession with a hot model Yau Yuk-nam (Yau).

Can any movie live up to this poster?

As part of his plan to get (very) close to Ms. Yuk-nam, he moves in next door to her toothsome, jiggly breasted, harsh fringed pal Chu Kit-Man (Ng Suet-Man, who no doubt does whatever a Suet-Man can) playing nice but dim neighbour before drugging and molesting her.

Twice.

Whilst all this misogynist stuff is going on (in loving close up I may add) Yau Yuk-nam has started dating the lovable triad guy with a heart Tso Tat Wah (Yam, sexy as ever) but the romance is cut short by a mix of tragedy and legal action (as part of the storyline, not from bored viewers) leading to a blood, sweat, egg (and semen) stained, incredibly tasteless climactic showdown between a half naked Yau, a sexily shirted Yam and the dirty Cheng.

Cheng: He has five pounds.

Saying that tho' you kinda know what to expect from a movie with a title like Raped By an Angel, it's not like you're just going to idly pick it up of the shelves in a Julian Brazier sort of way, pop it on one Sunday afternoon the be surprised if you find it offensive are you?

At least I hope not.

All I can say is if you're looking to waste a few hours with a mix of gratuitous nudity, sleazy sex, Chingmy Yau's just stepped out of the salon hair and a bit of argy bargy then forget this shite and buy Naked Killer instead.

No need or every need?

But if you find that you can't resist viewing a movie with such an offensive title then you could do worse than checking out the surprisingly entertaining sequel Raped By An Angel 2: The Uniform Fan.

This time round we enter the world of a perverted dentist (the scarily Tony Blair like Joe Tak-Chung Ma) who has a slightly worrying thing for girls in uniform (more worrying than most of us that is).

Up until now he's managed with dirty films and almost constant masturbation but it's getting to the point where not even this can alleviate his warped desires and soon enough he's a-raping and a-murdering traffic wardens in seedy back alleys just for kicks.

As you can tell he's a very bad man indeed.

Just in case you missed it first time round
(do you realise how long it took
me to scan these shots?)

If this wasn't enough he's also start to fantasize about buxom highschool girl Jenny (infamously wobbly bummed and white ankle sock wearing Cat III star Chung Chun) who's booked in for a wee filling.

But not the kind he has on offer obviously.

Chun: loose crown,
Hello Kitty undies and
unsightly plaque not shown.

As soon as she enters the surgery he starts sweating like, well a rapist obviously and can only be calmed down when his put upon nurse raises her uniform and offers to let him fill her instead (sorry, no need for that).

Mr. Dentist then cooks up an incredibly convoluted plan to get Jenny (and her pals) drunk (and drugged) at his house and have his wicked way with her (after which he'll wank off her unconscious boyfriend into a condom and place his prone, trouserless body between Jenny's chubby thighs - see? told you it was unnecessarily complicated).

Check the socks: The great Diane Pang
from a totally different yet still
exploitative movie yesterday.

Surprisingly the plan goes awry and leaves Jenny in hospital with concussion and a sore arse which pisses off her policewoman sister Po Wan Yu (Athena Chu, the star of the classic Shaolin Kung Fu Kids), who, as luck would have it has just been demoted from overcoat wearing detective to cutesy uniformed PC.

Can you guess what happens next?

Athena Chu's farted and it's an eggy one.

Yup, she becomes the new object of the dentists affections as the movie careers toward an explosive climax featuring Po Wan Yu's mad granny, poisoned coffee, castration and a far too skimpy Brownie uniform.

Much was made on the films release in Hong Kong of Chung Chun’s “incredibly sexy performance” but in the harsh light of day consists of endless shots of her bending over showing her big white undies, chewing pencils and lying prone in a dentists chair whilst being slowly unbuttoned by a sweaty man.

Not all at the same time I hasten to add.

Luckily the movies saving grace is Athena Chu dressed in the aforementioned Brownie uniform pretending to be drunk whilst flashing her undies and giggling (her reason for the outfit? she's a Brown Owl for the local pack).

Nuff said really.