slime time.

Bacterium (2006).
Dir: Brett Piper.
Cast: Alison Whitney, Benjamin Kanes, Miya Sagara, Chuck McMahon, Andrew Kranz, Shelley Dague and Jessica Day.

Invade, Infect, Mutate, Devour.
Then shite in mah mooth.
Obviously.

Opening with the bizarre sight of two guys in big white suits (obviously on a break from filming from The Crazies) involved in a helicopter chase with The Incredible Melting Man, the movie starts as it means to go on when melty bloke unfortunately crashes into a barn causing a massive explosion.

Off screen of course.

Scarpering before the parkie turns up, the bio-suit boys decide to cross their fingers and hope the scary green vial that the melting man was carrying was destroyed, rather than actually land and go check for themselves.

It seems that secret government agencies just can't get the staff these days.

Meanwhile in the local woods, two young couples are enjoying a friendly game of paintball(?).

Taking a break from covering each other in splatty sticky stuff, Lemon sucking bad boy Jiggs (Kanes - not the Rob Lowe character from Wayne's World, I think) and the bucktoothed blonde beauty, Beth (Whitney, star of Splatter Beach) happen across a seemingly deserted house and, reckoning that their other halves may be hiding inside (why? are they twelve?) decide to take a look around.

Almost immediately the come across mad as a bag of spanners Dr. Boskovic (McMahon, fresh from the car crash that was Vampire Lesbian Kickboxers), desperately trying to find a cure for the aforementioned green stuff from the movies opening sequence.

This is a Lowe.

Surprised to see a couple of young folk wandering around his house he quickly informs them that the place is surrounded by heavily armed black ops types with orders to shoot at anyone or anything that moves and that the safest thing to do would be for Beth to strip naked whilst he gasses her.

Right.

No need.

After a silly accident with a toothbrush and a cheese grater, Boskovic himself becomes infected by the grren goo he's tried so hard to find a vaccine for, and it's not long before he's shite-ing emerald slime from his mooth and pissing snot by the bucketful.

Meanwhile Brook (Sagara, possibly not the one on the Real Estate Board of New York) and soon to die Chandler (Kranz, definately not Matthew Perry) have also found the house meaning it's up to our four chums to stop the rapidly spreading alien gunk beasts without getting diced in the crossfire.

Just to add a wee bit more excitement to the plot, the fairly frisky general in charge of guarding/shooting up the house has decided that the only way to stop the creatures from infecting the earth is to explode a black hole bomb in the infected area.

Nope, nothing could possibly go wrong with that plan.

No sir.

Let's just hope some angry bikers don't turn up too.

I wouldn't want that with my liver and onions.

Ah, Brett Piper, a gossamer winged saviour of the trash movie genre lets loose another quality lo-fi epic onto a shiny DVD full of crappy CG-ed effects, big bogie monsters and a bit of totally gratuitous nudity for good measure.

His cast of non actors struggle gamefully to deliver pages of schlocky dialogue whilst a man in a painted binbag does his best to look threatening whilst pretending to scoff a pile of joke shop bones ALA the creatures from that 1966 Peter Cushing classic Island of Terror (well, I say classic but I really mean not bad....well, I say not bad...).

The creature attempts to give Shelley Dague
a pearl necklace as a peace offering.

Classic bits to savour include Beth's boyfriend getting killed off but no-one noticing, the already mentioned nude gassing and the dolls house under attack whilst a big greenie throws action men at it.

"Laugh noooooooooooooooow!"

And remember kids, there is an important environmental message in the movie which by default makes it worthy of praise.

I must be getting soft in my old age.