prey away.

More review reduxes, more Norman J Warren, more saucy undies.

Enjoy.

Prey (AKA Alien Prey. 1977)
Dir: Norman J. Warren
Cast: Barry Stokes, Sally Faulkner and Gloria Annen.

"Do you take sugar?
I should think so, most men do!"

The day after a weird green light is seen in the English sky, luscious lesbians Jessica (cutesy Annen, best known for her spot on performance as 'Midvale Protestor' in Supergirl) and the bullish, lantern jawed Josephine (knicker flashing, dyke haired, Cyberman stomping sixties strumpet Faulkner) are shocked to find not only three dead bunnies in the local woods but also a strange, polo necked young man with a gammy leg and a nice line in Burton's 'action slacks' hiding in the apple tree.

Being friendly, non men hating lesbians the pair decide to take him home.

Wahey.

Some quality knitwear yesterday.

oblivious to his fairly odd behaviour, his even odder name (Anders Anderson, short we find out later for Kator, go figure) and the fact that he appears to be the only Englishman in the world who doesn't drink tea, the ladies fawn over their new house guest as if he were a stray moggie they'd found in the rain.

Which, bizarrely enough is very close to the truth.

kind of.

The next morning whilst wandering around the scene of the mysterious rabbit massacre, Anders is accosted by two of the local constabulary who are busy investigating the crime.

It appears that one of the rabbits was seventies teevee star Hartley Hare's nephew and they desperately want to keep it out of the papers.

Panicking that he'll be uncovered as the phantom rabbit slasher, Anders morphs into his true form and kills the coppers dead.

Can I just take a moment to say that Anders' 'alien' make-up does, in fact border on pure genius.

Imagine if you will a kiddie facepainted by a drunk at a funfair as a cat who then has an Elvis wig plonked on his head before being given a set of pointy orange peel teeth to complete the outfit.

The imagine this very same child launching himself out of a garden bush at a policeman to a farty synth score.

I really don't have the words.

"Laugh now!"

Returning to the house for a light lunch (all that killing does take it out of a man/space-cat) Josephine suddenly announces that "Jessica and I are lovers," whilst Anders is tucking into a fondant surprise causing him to vomit all over the cucumber sandwiches completely ruining the afternoon.

Far from being a scary lesbian hating bigot tho' it's due to the fact that he can only digest raw meat.

I guess that's alright then.

All this sick and sarnies seems to have a very strange effect on Jessica tho', who whilst licking her lips and stroking her neck admits to Josephine that "Ander's is very attractive....for a man".

Crikey.

All this talk of man lust can only mean one thing, yup it's time for a wee bit of big bushed, seventies's style lesbo loving.

All shot in brightly lit pore revealing close-up, our only relief (apart from the obvious) is when it cuts to Anders watching silently thru' a crack in the door.

Reminds me of boarding school.

Josephine's public hare on
show for everyone to see.

returning to his room Anders has a quick conversation with the alarm clock before bed.

"Have made contact with human life forms, new identity established." he intones menacingly.

Well as menacingly as he can for a man clad in a nipple revealing sports shirt and arse hugging polyester slacks.

Waking the next morning to the dulcet tones of Josephine screaming, Anders and Jessica quickly head downstairs to find that a crafty fox has eaten all the chickens.

Obviously shocked by the senseless chicken choking, Anders heads off into the woods whilst Josephine buries her large head in Jessica's fluffy pillow-like cleavage.

Gloria: pillows.

Josephine decides to spend the entire day busily (and huffily) setting all manner of traps for the fox (including heat seeking missiles and bear-pits) but to no avail, luckily tho' Anders has kindly go out and slaughtered the wee fella and returns home proudly carrying it's furry body aloft.

Josephine decides to celebrate with a dead fox party which involves Anders getting dragged up like a butch Liza Minelli impersonator and spending the evening gazing seductively at Jessica whilst really bad MOR plays in the background before indulging in a really staged game of hide and seek in which Josephine inexplicably arms herself with a flick knife, hides in a wardrobe and attempts to win the world staring championships.

"Blood on mah chest".

Things get stranger still when, the next day (fuck, how long is this film?) Josephine finds the half eaten remains of Mr. Fox under Anders pillow (sounds like a song title), running into Jessica she begins to rant about how she reckons that Anders is a mentalist and no better than an animal himself.

Jessica just stares at her lover with a look of mild apathy.

As did I.

No time for any sapphic fumblings tho' the sexual tension is cut short by the sound of Anders screaming.

It appears he's fallen into a muddy pond whilst stalking a duck.

The following rescue is unparalleled in the history of movie 'laugh now' moments as Jessica, Josephine and Anders roll about in mud for what seems like days (and in slow motion) whilst a farting, plonking radiophonic score drones loudly in the background.

Shite (quite literally) in her mooth.

Jessica, inexplicably aroused by all the mud, Anders' sobbing and talk of having a good duck is suddenly cured of her lesbian affliction and decides that this will be the evening that she seduces Anders.....

Will Anders succumb to Jessica's ample charms and (quite literally) lunch out on her womanly thighs?

And whatever will Josephine do when she finds out?

What the French call 'Prey' yesterday.

When a film's credits include the names Norman J. Warren, Terry Marcel (director of the Legendary 'Hawk The Slayer'), Handyman hunk Barry Stokes, Confessions cutie Sally Faulkner and writer Max Cuff you know you're going to get something a bit special.

Or at the very least a good giggle followed by a shameful wank and a hot 'n' spicy Pot Noodle.

The isolated locations (the splendidly imposing country house, the directors garden and a big muddy puddle) and the sparsely populated cast work to make this movie an uncomfortable powder keg of lustful emotions, strange undercurrents, market stall knitwear and disapproving looks ready to explode at any moment and when you add a talking parrot, Gloria Annen's incredibly sexy pair of greyish, stretch polkadot knickers, a cake with a tiny iced fox on it and Sally Faulkner's vertigo inducing portrayal of a trackie sporting mad dyke with a flick knife to the mix you know you're onto a winner.

It's like a care in the community panto directed by David Lynch, and you can't get higher praise than that.

Well you probably can if you visit a proper film site but not here.

Sally Faulkner and your dad yesterday.

Like most of Warren's output, the movie's tone veers wildly from the just plain sinster to fairly bizarre to bizzarely sinister via the ever popular 'laugh now" (both intentional and otherwise) before appearing to peak early with Anders alien reveal but surprisingly manages to keep getting better and better (and madder and madder).

It's then, just when you think the surprises can't get any more freakish that muddy lake scene appears from nowhere.

Why Warren has never been knighted (or at least given the bumps in a playground) is a crime against cinema.

If you don't already own this then there's really no hope for you.