blind date.

Occasionally dear reader a film comes along that is so powerful, so disturbing that it leaves you speechless.

This is one such movie.

Tho' possibly not for the reasons the director intended.

Megan is Missing (2010).
Dir: Michael Goi.
Cast: Amber Perkins, Rachel Quinn and Dean Waite.

Opening with a very serious title card that informs us that the movie we are about to see is based on a true story (scary), the film then hedges it's reality bets and throws all hope of suspense to the wind by revealing this:

And not a single fuck was given.

Yup, two minutes in and we already know the ending but we can still live in the vain hope that we'll probably get some top-notch Larry Clark 'Kids' style acting or at the very least shots of Megan stripping seductively for her mysterious online stalker Josh or even some fumbling girl on girl action between the leads.

But all chances of these things happening quickly disseminate into the ether when the film starts good and proper and you realise that you're about to experience an incredibly dull seventy odd minutes of the horse faced, Bratz doll made flesh Megan (Quinn from Gene DePaul's Chicago-based stage version of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) whining constantly about school, her hair, parties, boys and the sex.

In arse numbingly graphic detail.

Amazingly all the close-ups of Megan's luscious lips and scarily elongated face as she chats in-depth about blow jobs, descriptions of spunky undies and tales of underage nookie to anyone that's listening are so tedious as to make the thought of doing anything remotely sexual again (especially with any abducted teens you may have in your cupboard) nay on impossible thanks to her nasally voice as it burrows ever deeper into your brain like a bloated cranium worm.

Cheers for that hen.

"You want me to do WHAT in your cup?"

And rather than make us care about Megan with all these heart felt teenage chats, writer/director/closet fetishist Goi only succeeds in making her not only totally repulsive but also deserving of a bloody good kicking.

To be honest you actually start counting down to her abduction, knowing that you'll finaly get a break from her constant, self-absorbed bollocks.

At one point I honestly thought that moon-faced best buddy Amy had done it just so she could get a word in edgeways the poor cow.

"Crap chat police! You're under arrest sugar!

Anyways, between all this talking shite and applying lipgloss it appears that Megan has been flirting online to a hunky skater-boi named Josh and has arranged to meet him.

Surprise, surprise Josh is a bad man who violently snatches Megan away never to be seen again.

And worse than that is the fact that Josh isn't even his real name!

The bounder!

She might look upset now but just you wait till arse banditary starts.

Amy upon realising that she has no idea how to start a conversation now motor-mouth Megan has gone decides to turn all Nancy Drew on us (minus the pop socks obviously) and investigate the disappearance of her pal.

Weeks later tho', Amy also vanishes.




So far, so TeeVee movie of the week but hark! the director has one final trick up his sleeve.

 You see it appears that after weeks of searching that the police have discovered Amy's camera in a bin.

And someone seems to have been posting vaguely embarrassing pictures of what could be Megan on a bizarro bondage fetish site.

"Shite in mah whiny American mooth!"

Bring on the real-time footage of Amy, stripped to her undies, caked in mud and chained up in a cellar as she's systematically abused, raped and sworn at by 'Josh' in gloriously unflinching eighties nasty style sleaze-arama.

But if you think that this is all a wee bit too exploitationy for a public service mocumentary then you ain't see owt yet because dirty boy Goi has an ace in the bag.

Or more precisely Megan's rotting corpse in a barrel.

Which I'll admit was unexpected.

Bored by all this torture and tears, Josh decides to pop Amy into the barrel too as our family friendly director closes the film by filming Josh's feet as he digs a hole big enough to put the barrel in as the soundtrack is filled with Amy's screams.

for almost twelve and a half minutes.

"Laugh now!"

Like a living, breathing copy of Chat Magazine with it's wholesome, family friendly tales of holiday rape and cheery infanticide stories, Megan is Missing seems to exist in a bizarre void where public safety films and early eighties sleaze, both drunk on cheap gin and high on poppers have shagged each other senseless in a grimy back alley before spewing forth an ultra-foul, faux Cinéma vérité baby, misshapen, and twisted yet still managing to vomit ill-conceived torture porn cunningly masquerading as scaremongering public service propaganda from it's lipless mouth.

Available from all good newagents!

Utilising the by now criminally clichéd found footage scenario, Megan is Missing is made up of around 70% camcorder and mobile phone stuff, 20% CCTV footage and news reports with the final 10% appearing to be the directors private fantasy files made flesh.

Possibly.

If so then he wont have been the first director to put his wildest sexual dreams on film but at least the others were a wee bit more honest and didn't wrap them in public service cotton wool.

Tho' maybe I'm being too harsh about the poor guy (harsh, me?) and Michael Goi  did actually have his heart in the right place whilst making this.

If that's the case then it's just a pity he appeared to have his free hand shoved firmly down the front of his underpants for the last twenty or so minutes really.

Fuck I really need a bleach shower now.

criminalising kinkiness.

"Anyone who doesn't agree with the new law has serious mental health issues..."
Daniel, Oxford via the BBC News website.

Your mum in your bed
whilst you were in the pub last night.

Fantastic news for all fans of Unwell style movies (oh and freedom of speech I guess) as next week sees a bill outlawing the possession of "extreme pornography" set to become law.

But many fear it has been rushed through and will criminalise innocent people not just with a harmless taste for 'unconventional' sexual practices but that the wording of the bill will also criminalise many (non-pornographic) movies too .


The campaign to ban the possession of 'violent sexual imagery' is spearheaded by Liz Longhurst whose daughter was by murdered five years ago.

It emerged that her killer had been compulsively accessing websites such as Club Dead and Rape Action, which contained (fake) images of women being abused and violated. Supported by her local media hungry MP, Martin Salter and bastion of moral decency David Blunkett, the then home secretary planned to introduce the legislation to ban the possession of "violent and extreme pornography" which gets its final reading this week and will get Royal Assent on 8 May.

Enjoy wearing masks in the bedroom?
then you're a filthy Pervert!

Until now the smut peddlers, rather than the consumer, have needed to operate within the confines of the 1959 Obscene Publications Act, but while this law will remain, the new act is designed to reflect the realities of the internet age, when pornographic images may be hosted on websites outside the UK.

Under the new rules, criminal responsibility shifts from the producer (not the musical journey that is 'Hey Mr. Producer!') - who is responsible under the OPA - to the sweaty palmed, gimp masked consumer.

Jodie shows how many
of her movies
will become illegal
under the new law.

But campaigners say the new law risks criminalising thousands of people who not only use violent pornography as part of consensual sexual relationships but also anyone that owns any motion picture that can be deemed to feature 'violent sexual imagery'.

As defined by this new bill it will be illegal to own (or produce) imagery that features:

An act which threatens or appears to threaten a person's life

An act which results in or appears to result in serious injury to a person's anus, breasts or genitals

An act which involves or appears to involve sexual interference with a human corpse

A person performing or appearing to perform an act of intercourse or oral sex with an animal

The main problem according to civil liberty groups is the use of the word 'appears' in the bill as this can be taken to mean scenes appearing in a non-pornographic, dramatic setting.

That's most of your DVD collections screwed dear readers.

Films that can fall foul of the new bill (and therefore can be seen as illegal to own) include amongst others:

Casino Royale (alongside most Bonds)
Visitor Q
The accused
Scum
Taxi Driver
Blue Velvet
Cape Fear
Evil Dead (it's been a long time since this was deemed obscene!)
Pulp Fiction

(fake) corpse sex: illegal from next week.

Some sensible MP's (yup there are a few surprisingly) are also worried about the wording of the bill. The sultry Baroness Miller said "You have to be very careful about the definition of 'extreme pornography' and they have not nearly been careful enough."

She has suggested the new act adopt the legal test set out in the OPA, which bans images which "tend to deprave and corrupt" (a wee bit like photobucket does here) but our Parliamentary masters have refused.

Mrs Longhurst acknowledges that libertarians see her as "a horrible killjoy" but replied "I'm not. I do not approve of this stuff but there is room for all sorts of different people. But anything which is going to cause damage to other people needs to be stopped."

To those who fear the legislation might criminalise people who use violent pornography as a harmless sex aid, she responds with a blunt "hard luck".

"There is no reason for this stuff. I can't see why people need to see it. People say what about our human rights but where are Jane's human rights?"

A horrible Killjoy? No. Just a grieving mother coming to terms with a deep loss by trying to find a reason for her daughters death, rather than blaming the sick individual who would have killed with or without his fetish.

Truth be told the extreme pornography sites probably satisfied him enough to stop him killing earlier, without them he would still have had the same urges just no 'safe' (to begin with) release.

How long before people realise that bad things happen without the use of films, books, photo's and specialist websites?

See?
Too much does make you go blind.

The recent jackbooted rompings of Formula 1 Fuhrer Max (son of Oswald) Mosley have served as a reminder that kinkiness is found in all walks of society.

And just as Herr Mosely is calling the revelations an invasion of his private life, so Baroness Miller says the new law also threatens people's privacy:

"The government is effectively walking into people's bedrooms and saying you can't do this. It's a form of thought police." She says there's a danger of "criminalising kinkiness".

Blue Velvet: A sick and vile film for sick and vile people.
Probably.

"How many tens or hundreds or thousands of people are going to be dragged into a police station, have their homes turned upside down, their computers stolen and their neighbours suspecting them of all sorts?" Such "victims" won't feel able to fight the case and "will take a caution, before there are enough test cases to prove that this law is unnecessary and unworkable".

Mosley: Nazi whore loving fan
of fisting (but aren't we all?).

Another opponent of the new law is Edward Garnier, an MP, skin care expert and part-time judge, who questioned the clause when it was debated in the Commons.

"My primary concern is the vagueness of the offence," says Mr Garnier, his voice cracked and worried. "It was very subjective and it would not be clear to me how anybody would know if an offence had been committed."

But the Ministry of Justice is arrogantly unrepentant, saying the sort of images it is seeking to outlaw are out of place in modern-day Britain (except when indulged in by Tory MP's obviously).

"Material which depicts necrophilia, bestiality or violence that is life threatening or likely to result in serious injury to the anus, breasts or genitals has no place in a modern society and should not be tolerated," says a spokeswoman for the ministry.

Well that's us told then.

Craig: illegal bollock beating.

Yet opponents have also seized on what they see as an ideological schism (no idea what that is but it does sound impressive, a bit like that rift in Cardiff) in the new law, noted by the brave hearted Lord Wallace of Tankerness during last week's debate in the House of Lords.

"Och, If nae sexual offence is being committed it seems very odd indeed that there should be an offence for having an image of something which was not an offence, you ken?" he said before riding off to fight the English or something.

Wallace: You'll never take
his freedom (to fuck animals).

That mad bald bloke from Mediawatch, John Beyer has been conspicuous by his absence throughout it all tho.

barmy brazier.

For your enjoyment his bill to tackle video violence can be found in full here.

"How many killings?"

Don't forget to leave a message and tell him who sent you.

chinned.

Good news for film fans! Freakishly faced Tory rat boy Julian Brazier's plan curb the release of 'explicit films and games' has been opposed!

Brazier: rodent
like control freak.

Barmy Brazier's private member's bill failed when the debate ran out of time as he ranted and drooled like the controlling loon that he is.

He demanded more of a say over the BBFC's membership and guidelines, which he argued had been "progressively liberalised" and also wanted a change to the system that currently only allows appeals against BBFC classifications, or decisions to cut footage, by the entertainment industry, citing "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

His evidence? a 'borrowed' copy of the 1976 snoozefest SS Experiment Camp.

No surprise that he was supported by Labour MP's Keith (where's the sick child for a photo opportunity?) Vaz and Stephen Pound, who uttered the classic quote that "the sanctity of life becomes diluted" with regard to violent films.

A violent film like those mentioned.

Judi Dench-alike Culture Minister Margaret Hodge said the government had responded to concerns by asking beautiful boffin (and Unwell pin-up) Dr Tanya Byron to review whether more regulation to protect children was needed - due to report back next month.

Hodge: dirty pillows (probably).

Urging MPs to await that report she said legislation would not be effective on its own. Parents, internet service providers and others would also have to take responsibility. She was still speaking as time ran out at 1430 GMT and the bill now stands no chance of becoming law.

Meow.

It's bad news for Gunnar Hansen fans tho' as late on Friday, the BBFC rejected his new film Murder Set Pieces amid concerns about it's violent sexual scenes - the ruling means it cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK but can be found here for free.

God I love the internet.

1984 and all that.

Thought I'd gone back in time this morning after hearing the news that big chinned Tory MP Julian Brazier announced that 'Explicit and extreme video games and films are fueling a tide of violence in Britain' and that MPs should have more of a say over appointments to the board of British Board of Film Classification and its guidelines.

Brazier: looks like a pervert.

Power mad Mr Brazier wants MPs to be able to trigger an appeal against BBFC decisions to restore cut footage or lower a classification of film and during a recent Commons debate, he cited the example of the previously banned SS Experiment Camp (again, what year is this Julian?) - which was re-examined by the BBFC and released in 2005.

"The film shows in voyeuristic detail women being tortured to death by SS camp guards," he said, obviously assuming that it was a documentary and not as we all know a badly made Italian exploitation epic from 1976.

On the subject of the French 'arthouse' classic Irreversible, he added "If this is not glamorising rape then it is difficult to imagine what would be."

He then told MPs, whilst foaming at the mouth and stamping his fist on his desk like the jumped up little Hitler he is that: "The growth in violent offences is linked to the growing availability in the media of extremely violent and explicitly sexual material."

Obviously he has no evidence to back this up but thought it sounded good.

Vaz: Ambulance chasing vulture.

Unsurprisingly he was backed by tragedy jumping Labour MP Keith Vaz, who represents a seat in Leicester where the mother of 14-year-old murder victim publicly attributed his death to his killer's 'obsession' with the Manhunt video game - although the trial judge (and police) did not confirm her view, blaming robbery.

Vaz is particularly concerned about video games (particularly if they can get him column inches and re-elected), arguing they were different from films because they are "interactive".


"When they plan with these things they are able to interact, they can shoot people, they can kill people, they can rape women and that's what is so wrong about the situation we have at the moment."

As we all know, you can't actually 'kill' people in games because it's not real.

A fake death scene from a film: not real.

Luckily the comedy genius of John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport select committee is here to raise a giggle.

He said he had been 'lent' a copy of SS Experiment Camp (right, like it's not his own) but dismissed it as a "truly dreadful film".

He explained: "It is what is called Italian Schlock (is it? is it really? or are you just making words up now to look cool and hip you sad misguided man) and many people will find it offensive because of the subject matter, because it involves Nazis and extermination camps".

Do you think he figured that out from the title?

I have to say there is not a single scene in that film that I could argue should be banned. "Actually the scenes of so-called torture and the scenes of sex are mild compared to anything you can go and see today in the Odeon down the road."

What? anything? even in kids films? and Rambo? even tho' the Odeon aren't showing it? Generalization? Never!

However, he did say he was concerned about big budget "torture porn" films like the Saw and Hostel series of films, which he said should have been cut "more than they were" even tho' he admitted he hadn't seen them.

Mr Brazier's bill has cross-party support but would need the government's backing to become law.

Let's pray to God he gets hit by a bus before then.